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Panibagong Takipsilim

bab

Nakatingin sa mga bituin,

Akoy muling humihiling,

Na sa munting liwanag,

Ako rin ay iyong hinahanap.

 

Sa lumalalim na gabi

At lumalamig na hangin,

Ako’y muling nagtatanong,

“Laman din ba ako ng iyong pangarap?”

 

Nakasilip ang buwan

Sa pagitan ng mga ulap

Na tila ba alam

Ang sagot sa aking tanong.

 

Nakaukit sa mga ulap

Ang iyong larawan-

May hugis at porma,

Ngunit mahirap makilala.

 

May himig ng ibon

Sa hindi kalayuan,

Ngunit nais kong marinig

Ang iyong awitin.

 

Nakababa na ang kurtina

Ng bawat bahay,

Ngunit hindi sa bintana

Ng puso kong naghihintay.

 

Abot-tanaw ko ang mga bundok

Na tila bakod ng mundo,

Ngunit di ko alam kung ika’y nasaan,

Lawakan ko man ang aking paningin.

 

Ang mga mensaheng hindi masabi-

Ng puso kong kumikirot,

Ng labi kong nanginginig,

Ay ipapadala na lang sa hangin.

 

Nais kong maunawaan mo

Na sa gitna ng katahimikan,

Hindi lahat ng naiiwang sugatan

Ay patuloy na magdaramdam.

 

Alalahanin mo sana

Na sa gitna ng dilim,

Liwanag ang hahanapin

Ng ating mga mata.

 

Limutin mo ang iyong pangamba,

At damhin ang pagmamahal

Na handog ng gabi,

Na minsan mong kinatakutan.

 

At sa bawat araw,

Habang ako’y may paningin,

Ika’y hihintayin,

Sa panibagong takipsilim.

5

I Am…

light

I am a goner.

A soul of no tomorrow; who understands kindness but doesn’t know how it feels. I’m so used to being mocked. To be called a fool. To be laughed at. Injustice is my twin, I guess. So familiar that quite often I wish I was a stranger to it. They say I can’t. With broken wings, I watch my dreams shatter, my hope fade. They say I’m impossible, and with gnawing pain inside, I believed them. Yes, for a long time… I believed them.

I am in control.

Their tears are sweet victory for me, and their weeping, music to my ears. A tattletale lost her voice, the bullies are in hiding, and my ‘perfect parents’ are in pain. They are shooting daggers at me for a long time that I have already mastered their skill. And the moment to test my ability comes. Bulls eye! Everyone’s hurting. And I’m happy they come to know the feeling… They say I’m tough, but then again, who says I can’t fight?!

I am free!

Downtrodden no more, I discover the world’s wonder. I’m in command of my own life. Vices bring comfort. A booster of confidence and manhood.They say it is happiness. And drunkards are the ones to trust. Law is but a marketable standard. A sum of money can adjust it to suite my needs. Whoever knows of what is legal or not? Nothing is illegal with the proper connections. They say it won’t harm me. So I play my cards in a way that will satisfy me – realizing each morning I am with a different girl on my bed, going on and off at prison cells, playing hide and seek with the police, creating riot at the streets, and lurking at the dark corners of the sidewalk to hunt for my sustenance – money. Everyday is excitement but everyday is the same. They say happiness is going after what I want… and I indulge myself deeper into the happiness that I know.

I am wasted…

Gripped by darkness and caged by lies, my soul yearns for peace. I am empty. Despite the continuous feeding of my desires, there is this strong sense of feeling that I lack almost everything. Are the drugs and alcohol that I have taken in already betraying me? I feel worthless. Without my vices I know I’ll crumble down. I am useless. I could never be good enough for anybody now, what with my dirty and messy life. They say I will never be different.Perhaps they are right; there must really be no tomorrow awaiting me. Perhaps I could only live with my rotten past. There’s no sense crying over the stains, although I cry my heart out often for all that I’ve lost. I always think I won, but instead of rejoicing I always find myself countering that if really won, I should feel contented. But I am not. And in my case, I guess I’ll never be. I only wanted to be accepted and loved. But until now I never know what love is, or what it means to love. I learned to value superficial things more than what is essential. What hope is there for a delinquent like me? What good will it do if I change? Time is too late for me…

If there is one great thing hallucination did for me, it is when I saw myself soaring high up in the skies. And I remember. Could I possibly… Is He…

I knew not much about Him except that when people are suffering, He’s the one to be asked for help and comfort.

And now my life is in vain. I’m trying to make sense of talking to Him, but I’m afraid He won’t listen. They say He is righteous. How can I partake of His attention when I am His opposite? I am a sinner. He is holy. He might never take it to even look at me. And like those days when my only prayer is to disappear, I felt so much shame. Only there are no people to pass on the blame. I’m afraid to call out because I know I’ll be naked before Him. He’ll be able to see all the spots and blotches of my past; all the spoils it left in my present.I am now my own adversity, and such kind of shame is greater than anything a weakling like I know. And I can’t help but feel it because even I am ashamed of who I am.

But I was wrong. They are wrong. All the while we are wrong.

I found myself crying before Him one evening; spilling out bitterness; hating both the people and myself; cursing the world and hating Him for not coming to my aid. Yet, after the rush of questions and if only s’, I saw myself unloading all my burdens to Him. He never answered me back with His voice, but how the next circumstances in my life are arranged, and why I met people I never knew existed before, proved that He take heed of my prayer.

He justified Himself in my most desperate moment. I met Him when I’m broke. And all those years that I’m running after death, drowning with discouragement, eaten up with self-pity and engulfed with vengeance… all those years… He’s waiting for me to return to Him, even extending His eagerness to have me back through the good things in life. Only, I never learn to appreciate His offers. I surrendered to the surreal wonders of the world.

They say I’m weak. And yes I was for I allowed the world to change me.

They say I can rule. And yes I did, but having the wrong concept, the consequences enslave me.

They say I am free to do everything. And so I did, never knowing that there got to be boundaries.

I’ve listened so much to the telltales of this world that I forgot about what ‘He’ has to say. I let myself be devoured by lies, and from there I founded my being. I lived the life that the world wants to see. I killed the man that I am to comply with its obscenities. But in the absence of light, God sees beyond darkness. He planted in me a seed of goodness and greatness. His son’s blood became the ransom for my life. My past, present and future has been paid the price. I was wandering but He held out His hand to pull me out of the ditch I was in for so long. He is happy to have me back, His word in the book of Luke affirms it. I asked Him for forgiveness, and He asked me to forgive the people, and most especially myself. I can never undo the my past, but He offered me a new start. I could never repay His grace, yet I could always work for Him to show how grateful I am for His grace.

He said I am special, and yes I am.

He said I am loved, and I know it’s more than what I can give.

He said he holds a better future for me, and I believe Him.

He said I have a choice, and He had given me one.

He is faithful, and it will forever be true.

He led me to a life of new perspective. I always thought I am unworthy of His promises, but a new revelation unfold before me: He made His promises especially for sinners like me. I have repented and now I’ve stopped nursing regret. He paid such a large price for my life that I know it should cease being wasted. Truly he is a refuge of the weary, a Savior of all lost. He opened up a new horizon, and one day, I’ll be able to go beyond and wander no more.

I am Distinct.

I am a Conqueror.

I am made Good.

I am a Man of God!

AND THIS IS WHO I AM.

8

Happily Ever Before

I had always believed in a happy ending,
Life is a fairy tale and love’s everlasting.
My notions all seemed precise and true’ 

Until the day, I found I’ve lost you.

In our bygone days I don’t know what pain is,

 except when I cut myself or get bruised when I play.

I cry for the throbbing wound but still with no worries

for your soothing heart speaks more than what your lips can say.

Back then in my childish mind you are everything,

deep within my heart you’re the reason why I’m striving.

You’re a friend and a mentor, you are all in one,

you just didn’t realize I’m your number one fan.

I used to say I’d grow up just like you,

and I talk proudly of you among my schoolmates and friends.

 “Someone” I told them, “who can take away the blue,”

“She’s like a magic fairy, all heartache she mends!”

But life is said to be a bittersweet,

laughter died down at the moment, adversity came to greet.

I was confused and stunned to you I wanna cling,

yet you’re nowhere to be found, you left me with nothing.

The foundation of my being seemed to collapse when you go;

Your disappearance without a given reason was more than a blow.

From then, mornings found me full of woe,

and the nights I made pass with a wet pillow.

I tried to understand you in every way I can,

for I heard you eloped with your beloved man.

Was it from our wild family that you want to get free?

Or was it real happiness you search for that’s why you flee?

I long for your return from dawn to dusk.

I seemed to forget that I should continue with my task.

I realized then that the world won’t stop turning even if I cry,

nor would it change if I didn’t even try.

So back on my feet I trudge on the path;

alone now, I had to face life’s wrath.

Like a good soldier, I continue with the battle;

Though wounded and beaten, I chose to struggle.

I tried to be insensitive of what you’ve done,

though you left your obligation, the mistake cant be undone.

To resent you was the thing I had so avoided,

despite letting me feel that in your life I’m not needed.

What happened to us made me more eager,

 to excel in school and become an achiever.

I had the hopes within me, I knew you’d be home sooner;

you’d be proud and we’d be happy, the past wouldn’t matter.

Then later I realized my beliefs were all wrong,

waiting for you seemed to last forever.

I kept my spirit up, I wanted to stay strong’

but the passing of day proved life to be tougher.

Then came the time when I had to say goodbye to childhood,

I had grown in all aspect, with an ever-changing mood.

Being a teen was of all the hardest part:

the world was once again a stranger with a new battle to start.

All around I received injustice;

subjected to criticisms, i forgot what is bliss.

The society was judgmental and prejudiced;

people are really hard to please.

I was never into playing the blame game,

Yet in my despondency, I put you the shame.

If you didn’t leave our lives won’t be the same,

people wouldn’t gossip about or make fun of my name.

At one point I’m drowned with self-pity,

but after all that happened, could anybody blame me?

You’re not there in the moments that I needed you the most;

a best friend, a mother, I have all lost.

Through the times that I,m so confused,

my head swimming with thoughts, my brain so abused.

You weren’t near to answer all my questions,

then again on my own I have to learn the lessons.

Indecision followed one another in succession,

but nobody’s around to give good advice.

I take the risks with my own precautions,

I could only depend on myself so I must be wise.

One thing that struck me through the passing of time,

love can only be veiled but can never sublime;

so despite the sorrow gnawing within my heart,

I still hope for a new day that we can both start.

 Then one day you just appeared from nowhere.

My heart was leaping out, I’m no longer in despair.

I ran home from school upon hearing the good news,

but who are those with you, I’m grasping for clues.

I would have jumped and yelled but I could only stare,

I have a lot to say but words wouldn’t come out.

I so wanted to hug you yet I couldn’t dare;

there was but my tears to speak for my muted mouth.

One look and I knew how sorry you are,

but at that same moment though near you seemed so far.

You have a new happy family where your world is revolving,

I am but an add up to your home in the making.

Oblivion to the world, my mind went back to the very day,

when you swore you’ll never leave me, not like my father, you’ll stay.

How stupid I am for I forgot to ask you,

“Would you keep your promises just as I do?”

And now the promises were broken,

And an innocent heart cut open,

The moments of yesteryear’s was never to return,

Acceptance is a must to learn...