I am a goner.
A soul of no tomorrow; who understands kindness but doesn’t know how it feels. I’m so used to being mocked. To be called a fool. To be laughed at. Injustice is my twin, I guess. So familiar that quite often I wish I was a stranger to it. They say I can’t. With broken wings, I watch my dreams shatter, my hope fade. They say I’m impossible, and with gnawing pain inside, I believed them. Yes, for a long time… I believed them.
I am in control.
Their tears are sweet victory for me, and their weeping, music to my ears. A tattletale lost her voice, the bullies are in hiding, and my ‘perfect parents’ are in pain. They are shooting daggers at me for a long time that I have already mastered their skill. And the moment to test my ability comes. Bulls eye! Everyone’s hurting. And I’m happy they come to know the feeling… They say I’m tough, but then again, who says I can’t fight?!
I am free!
Downtrodden no more, I discover the world’s wonder. I’m in command of my own life. Vices bring comfort. A booster of confidence and manhood.They say it is happiness. And drunkards are the ones to trust. Law is but a marketable standard. A sum of money can adjust it to suite my needs. Whoever knows of what is legal or not? Nothing is illegal with the proper connections. They say it won’t harm me. So I play my cards in a way that will satisfy me – realizing each morning I am with a different girl on my bed, going on and off at prison cells, playing hide and seek with the police, creating riot at the streets, and lurking at the dark corners of the sidewalk to hunt for my sustenance – money. Everyday is excitement but everyday is the same. They say happiness is going after what I want… and I indulge myself deeper into the happiness that I know.
I am wasted…
Gripped by darkness and caged by lies, my soul yearns for peace. I am empty. Despite the continuous feeding of my desires, there is this strong sense of feeling that I lack almost everything. Are the drugs and alcohol that I have taken in already betraying me? I feel worthless. Without my vices I know I’ll crumble down. I am useless. I could never be good enough for anybody now, what with my dirty and messy life. They say I will never be different.Perhaps they are right; there must really be no tomorrow awaiting me. Perhaps I could only live with my rotten past. There’s no sense crying over the stains, although I cry my heart out often for all that I’ve lost. I always think I won, but instead of rejoicing I always find myself countering that if really won, I should feel contented. But I am not. And in my case, I guess I’ll never be. I only wanted to be accepted and loved. But until now I never know what love is, or what it means to love. I learned to value superficial things more than what is essential. What hope is there for a delinquent like me? What good will it do if I change? Time is too late for me…
If there is one great thing hallucination did for me, it is when I saw myself soaring high up in the skies. And I remember. Could I possibly… Is He…
I knew not much about Him except that when people are suffering, He’s the one to be asked for help and comfort.
And now my life is in vain. I’m trying to make sense of talking to Him, but I’m afraid He won’t listen. They say He is righteous. How can I partake of His attention when I am His opposite? I am a sinner. He is holy. He might never take it to even look at me. And like those days when my only prayer is to disappear, I felt so much shame. Only there are no people to pass on the blame. I’m afraid to call out because I know I’ll be naked before Him. He’ll be able to see all the spots and blotches of my past; all the spoils it left in my present.I am now my own adversity, and such kind of shame is greater than anything a weakling like I know. And I can’t help but feel it because even I am ashamed of who I am.
But I was wrong. They are wrong. All the while we are wrong.
I found myself crying before Him one evening; spilling out bitterness; hating both the people and myself; cursing the world and hating Him for not coming to my aid. Yet, after the rush of questions and if only s’, I saw myself unloading all my burdens to Him. He never answered me back with His voice, but how the next circumstances in my life are arranged, and why I met people I never knew existed before, proved that He take heed of my prayer.
He justified Himself in my most desperate moment. I met Him when I’m broke. And all those years that I’m running after death, drowning with discouragement, eaten up with self-pity and engulfed with vengeance… all those years… He’s waiting for me to return to Him, even extending His eagerness to have me back through the good things in life. Only, I never learn to appreciate His offers. I surrendered to the surreal wonders of the world.
They say I’m weak. And yes I was for I allowed the world to change me.
They say I can rule. And yes I did, but having the wrong concept, the consequences enslave me.
They say I am free to do everything. And so I did, never knowing that there got to be boundaries.
I’ve listened so much to the telltales of this world that I forgot about what ‘He’ has to say. I let myself be devoured by lies, and from there I founded my being. I lived the life that the world wants to see. I killed the man that I am to comply with its obscenities. But in the absence of light, God sees beyond darkness. He planted in me a seed of goodness and greatness. His son’s blood became the ransom for my life. My past, present and future has been paid the price. I was wandering but He held out His hand to pull me out of the ditch I was in for so long. He is happy to have me back, His word in the book of Luke affirms it. I asked Him for forgiveness, and He asked me to forgive the people, and most especially myself. I can never undo the my past, but He offered me a new start. I could never repay His grace, yet I could always work for Him to show how grateful I am for His grace.
He said I am special, and yes I am.
He said I am loved, and I know it’s more than what I can give.
He said he holds a better future for me, and I believe Him.
He said I have a choice, and He had given me one.
He is faithful, and it will forever be true.
He led me to a life of new perspective. I always thought I am unworthy of His promises, but a new revelation unfold before me: He made His promises especially for sinners like me. I have repented and now I’ve stopped nursing regret. He paid such a large price for my life that I know it should cease being wasted. Truly he is a refuge of the weary, a Savior of all lost. He opened up a new horizon, and one day, I’ll be able to go beyond and wander no more.
I am Distinct.
I am a Conqueror.
I am made Good.
I am a Man of God!
AND THIS IS WHO I AM.